Reflections of Recurrence

I recently had a very scary mammogram experience that forced me to stop everything and reflect on my life as a mother, wife and breast cancer survivor. I received a phone call on a Friday that the Dallas mammography clinic had finally received my mammogram films from Louisiana and there was something present on the left breast that wasn't on the film last year. Needless to say, I was absolutely terrified!
I would not advise receiving this type of phone call on a Friday. I tried my best not to worry over the weekend but I did a lot of soul searching and mentally tried to prepare for the worse. After a fun-filled weekend, Monday finally rolled around and I found myself shaking with my husband at my side as the doctor showed us the film and the white area on the left breast. It looked like cancer initially but than I realized it was where my port was. After extensive views and plenty of chest pressing and an ultrasound, she concluded it was scar tissue. I was off the hook......for now.
Being a survivor brings so many mixed emotions especially when I have dear friends still battling cancer. I often feel guilty being celebrated as a "survivor" when everyone will want to survive but won't.
Being faced with the possibility of a recurrence made me sit back and do an honest assessment of my life. For the most part, I am pleased with the decisions and progress I make but I have put energy into things and matters that ultimately are not important. I have let my sympathy for people cloud my judgment in my dealings with them and I have wasted time and energy on things which will never be fruitful or develop into positive outcomes. I won't beat myself up for it but I will learn from it.
If you have never battled cancer or a serious illness, you may never know what it is like to face your own immortality. When told you have a shortened life expectancy, you truly learn how to live and who to live with. You embrace each day and each moment and each person who leaves a positive imprint on your heart.
Yes, I was fortunate this time and needed the wake-up call to spend more time on positive things and accept defeat or worthless matters as just that. Not worth my effort or time.

Comments

  1. This was very thought-provoking words of wisdom. Thank you, I really needed to read this right now.

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  2. I'm seriously going to take some lessons here...Learning how to live and who to live with is a definite necessity for me right now!

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  3. Reality has a way to sneak up on you and then we all must look at our own mortality. Please don't mind if I re-post this Crystal my God-mother needs the hope. Her cancer has shrunk, however we still have a long way to go. Stay blessed my sister. I love you.

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